But At Least I...

I had a "but at least I" moment yesterday that was rather eye-opening. You know what I mean by, "but at least I" don't you? Its that statement of judgement that soothes a wounded ego.
For some it can be, "I don't work out but at least I don't eat fast food" for others it could be, "No I don't read the Bible but at least I believe in God" or "I'm addicted to shopping but at least I go to church"

No matter what the vice, it can be justified because we can always find something worse that someone else is doing..."sure I drink alot but at least I don't beat my kids".

I think everybody uses this from time to time to make themselves feel better about their short-comings but I think its even deeper than that. When I think about some of my "but at least I" statements, I find what it is about myself that I think is valuable. Someone who drinks but doesn't hit their kids, could value their self-control, their skill as a parent, the way they love their kids or their improvement in parenting over the way they were raised.

Yesterday I had an "inner dialogue" (who's a psych major?) with a but at least I that I didn't like. The essence of the but at least I was very religious!!! (anyone who knows me well, understands that being religious is one of my least favorite things on earth!)
Well, that just sent me praying like a raving lunatic...

"Oh God! I can't believe this crap is still near to the center of what I think about myself. I hate that! I hate that I still think that my praying, my committment to God and church over the years has anything at all to do with the blessings in my life. AHHHHHHH!!! So what if I read my bible??? Half the time , I don't even understand what I am reading!!! There's always more than I know! When will I really understand that it is God's grace that supplies all my needs, and my goodness is really, truly, like filthy rags. When will I get it into my head and my heart?"

So here I sit, still religious but trying to get it. What if my "but at least I" was "but at least I am loved by God in spite of myself"? What difference would that make in how I see myself? Would I even need to justify all my mistakes?

Remember the parable of the prodigal son? "Sure I work all day, waiting for you die so I can have your money dad, but at least I didn't run off and take it all while you were still alive!"
What a hero!
Yesterday I was the older brother. I hate that. Today I am remembering my need to help from dad, like a prodigal...perhaps that is the first step to understanding my value as a person?