New flash for anyone who doesn't already know this.
Being poor sucks!

It isn't horrible in the sense that you know there are things more important than material possessions, and base your life on a higher moral and spiritual code. That part is good.
Its the part about not having money that sucks!

When you go to the store, and they ask you "cash or credit" and neither of those options apply because you have no cash and your credit cards are maxed out. That is a high pressure, high stress, low fundage situation that is NO FUN!

So let me analyse for a moment....why am I presently (not poor, I shouldn't say that as it may offend really poor people) without extra funds? Well, my husband and I have done a crappy job with our money in the past and now we are paying for it! Figuratively and literally.
We have one income and two kids, both of whom would be worth being poor for, forever. They are so amazing. And we went to university with little income when we were first married. These all add up to a bad scene, financially.

So what do you do? Besides pray and ask God to fix the huge muddle you've gotten into, the options are not huge right now. So that's my answer. I have no option but to completely depend on the grace of God, and I haven't seen the result of that in my bank account (yet) but I do feel the stress level going down a little and I think I can rest. And God is soooooo good that in a good moment, I may even thank Him for this situation because it makes me run to Him a little harder, and because I now know there's a lot you can do with very little money. Its an adventure to figure out which dollar store sells pepper the cheapest. Ah, life is good!

How is it possible that I am married and have two kids, when I still feel like I
am only 16 years old?

It seems to me like there is some kind of time warp that you step into once you have kids.
All of the sudden, life is going at 12X its normal rate of speed. You become so busy doing what needs to be done just to survive, that when you stop to take a breath, two years have gone by. You may not remember much from those two years, (due to sleep deprivation) but the evidence suggests that you have two small children. The evidence of children is hard to miss, but just in case someone out there isn't sure if they have kids.
Here's how you can tell:
-if your house has toys, books, and clothing articles strewn about the floors/furniture
-if there is an odd smell in your home, a mix sour milk, rotting cheese and poop
-if you're really tired and can't remember how to make toast
-you can recite the words to innumerable nursery rhymes and you can't get the teletubbies theme song out of your head
and finally, if there are any number of tiny people squealing and streaking through your house. Wake up! You had kids!

Seriously, I have moments where I haven't changed a bit since I was 16 (on the inside) and still feel fun, vibrant and ready for adventure. In those moments, I look at my kids and think, "who is your mommy? let me know her name and I'll take you cute little girls to her".
Its a weird feeling. It lasts only a minute or so but its really freaky. Most of time, while raising kids, you haven't got the time to think about stuff like that but when it happens, it can freak a person out.

Hey, maybe I'm having a mini-mid-life crisis! Wouldn't that be fun? Hmmmm....if this any kind of life crisis, does that mean I have the right to do something outrageous? I'm always up for that! Usually, it just means I cut my hair, but I could go for something different. Maybe its time for a tattoo! I'll think about it.....slowly feeling my courage dissipate.......maybe I'll go paint my nails.

I am taking spanish lessons now.
It gives me an opportunity to use my mind which is not totally occupied right now.
Although Veggie Tales is funny, and not nearly as mind-numbing as Barney or Teletubbies,
it doesn't require my FULL concentration to watch an episode for the 687, 594th time!

So now I am memorizing verb conjugations, vocabulary and irregular verbs. Sounds dull and a little nerdy but to me, geeky is spelled F-U-N. Besides the whole point of learning another language is so that you can talk about people behind their backs in front of their faces without them knowing what you're saying. And what's not fun about that???? I gest, I gest.

Last night our assignment was to go to a store (which is run by spanish speaking people) and do some shopping in spanish. That was really hard, since I'm not very good at it yet. So I used humor to preserve my dignity since (in spanish) I have the vocabulary of a 3 year old. I played it cool, and made jokes and goofed off. I did the assignment but not without a little bit of the smart-ass in me surfacing.

On the way home, I was thinking about the kids at the drop-in who behave the way I did. They are soooo annoying.
It is easy to become very irritated with them, and wonder why they don't just do as their told without the extra attitude.
Now, in my class I wasn't swearing or threatening but still, my attitude was less than stellar. It gave me a glimpse into the perspective of some of the teens who "act out", maybe there is something about the lesson that they just don't "get". (like all of it)
Most likely they are feeling as embarassed and incompetant as I was in the store.

So I got a little more than a spanish lesson last night which is cool. I think I have a better perspective about hurting teens so I'll do a better job with the drop-in. I'm sure they'll still annoy the crap out of me, but I may (with some grace from God) handle it better.
Plus, I also learned how to say "shut-up" in spanish which is going to come in real handy!

Is it possible to have a lethal dosage of apple juice?
I know that apple juice is healthy but my daughter seems
to drink ALOT of it, she wants it in her sippy cup all day and with
all her meals. She can't get enough apple juice. I wonder if this
is a healthy thing. Maybe someday some scientists will discover that
too much apple juice makes you into a genius then all my worrying would
have been for nothing. Unless of course, too much apple juice turns you
into a raving lunatic, in which case, well...it'll be too late anyway.
But I could always sue McCain for the money to build fancy cage to house my raving lunatic.

I went to McDonald's playland today. That place is a zoo!
Kids running everywhere while parents have some fries with this look
of relief on their face because their children are occupied and they can breathe.
Its pretty wild though with the screaming and the running. Its funny though, when
my kids run and scream, they are happy and excited. When other kids run and scream,
they are out of control and need to calm down. Which makes me wonder, do other people think my kids are brats????

I can't think about that right now.

That was a paradigm shift that hits at the heart of every mother's insecurity. We all know what we're doing, and how to handle our children, its those other people's kids that are out of control. No seriously, I know I'm not a perfect mom and that my kids aren't perfect either but its such a thankless task. Appreciation is like heroine to a stay-at-home mom. The idea that I'm not doing a good job is just too depressing to think about, so I won't. Avoidance is a beautiful coping mechanism, I'd recommend to anyone.

But if it doesn't work, don't tell me about it. I don't want to know.

I am soooo itchy!
On the weekend, my family and I went to the lake and came back with swimmer's itch.
This is an aweful thing, I am full of red, itchy blotches.
I didn't have any calomine lotion so I made this disgusting paste of water and
baking soda that dries on your skin in about 10 seconds, then turns to crusty dust
that leaves a mess everywhere you walk. And, it doesn't stop the itching.
So essentially, I make a mess of baking soda all of the house and I'm still itchy.

My dad came over last night and said to put aloe vera on it, because he puts aloe
vera on everything. (and it works, totally takes away the itch...way to go dad).
But it reminded me of Gus from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, who put windex on everything.
We all have our strange quirks, don't we?

I always like to have 3 (no more, no less) cans of tuna in my pantry. I have no idea why, I just think it looks neat and tidy with three. More than 3 looks like you bought too much and less than 3 looks like you need to go shopping. So yes, I'm neurotic but I know that. But I think everyone has their strange little things that make them comfortable.

For instance, my husband believes that he has a ration of accuracy! That is , he is right about 80% of the time, so he speaks of his 80:20 rule. I wouldn't say that I agree with him but hey, we all have our issues.

Wouldn't it be great if people introduced themselves with some of their odd quirks?
"Hi, I'm Harry and I like to watch people brush their teeth. It makes me feel like I'm superior to them in some strange way."
"Hello Harry, I'm Matilda and people who go in the express line at the grocery store with more than the designated number of items, I want to scream obsenities at them, but I don't so I have a lot of pent up frustration."

See, if we did that, people wouldn't be so apt to feel superior or inferior to each other. We would know everyone else is nuts too.
Besides, normal people scare me.

This is my first blog.
Its all very exciting, I have been reading other people's blogs but haven't taken the
plunge myself until just now.
I've considered blogging before but thought:
a) what if I had nothing interesting to say and people thought I was dull?
b) what if I had something interesting to say and nobody saw it?

Either way, I couldn't take the pressure. So I sat on the sidelines like a coward.
But no more, I may feel neurotic half the time but this time, I say,
"screw it! I'll just write whatever and people think I'm dull....then I'll just....
call my mom or maybe get a therapist".

So this is my new way of saying (quietly) my thoughts about this crazy world.
Its a whole new beginning. I feel so empowered.
Now let's see if I have the courage to actually post the things I write.