I couldn't sleep last night, when I laid my head down it began to reeeeeeeeeeeellllllllll.

Thinking about family, money, debts, the kids, D.J.'s work, my work, the house, this summer, etc....
then I went to check on the kids before I tried to sleep again.

I looked down at their peaceful faces, and tiny beautiful heads, their soft blond curls.
Ahhhhhhh.....

Just looking at them, I went to bed and thought. Life is good, I've made all the right decisions,
if I'm in debt for the rest of my life....oh well. The two most important things I'll ever do are peacefully
dreaming, they're healthy and happy.

What other joy (on earth) can have that effect? What other job could ever fulfill a person?
No amount of money could ever make me laugh and cry in the same perfect moment.
I am so blessed.

My breath stinks.

Like a dentist office.

Ewwwwwwww.....

Wow! I feel great, I went back to the dentist this morning and they put a seal over
the exposed hole, which now is infected.
It was AMAZING!!!! To go from such horrible pain to instant pleasure.
Wow! It was better than an epidural in the middle of labor pain.

I'm sure I saw wings and a halo on that dentist.
I'm walking on sunshine! And I'm drug-free! Yee-hah!

I don't know if anyone else out there has ever had this condition.
Its called dry socket but it was more painful than childbirth!
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!
Its over now and I'm a happy little camper! No more T3s for me! Yeahh!!!!

Its amazing how negatively pain can affect your self-image in a very quick amount of time.
So instead of wallowing in self-pity,
I'm going to make this a positive experience.

Rather than feeling like a loser who can't take care of her kids, I'm going to enter the
Olympics of Self-Loathing (which I'll create) and I'll win every prize.

I'll attempt to win the Gold in Guilt Category.
I'll start by feeling guilty about having a messy house, move on to wanting to sleep AGAIN and then
surge on into the terrain about not feeling like playing with the kids.
We'll save "the kid's diet" "quality time"and "laundry" for round two.

Who said Winning at being a loser couldn't be fun. They don't know what they're missing!

I am in hiding.
I'm staying home and not leaving the house again, EVER.
Well, at least not until forecasts like -50 degrees cease to be discussed in
civilized conversations.

Its ridiculous. I refuse to deal with anything less than -30 degrees!!!!
So, until it warms up, I'm boycotting the weather and just staying inside.

Hot flashes, dizzy spells, sweats and fainting.
Sounds like I'm getting a taste of menopause.
But I'm not, that's just the effect that T3s have on me.
I'd like to stop taking them but I hate pain, so fake-menopause trial, here I come.

I'd make a terrible drug-addict. I hate feeling any different than "normal".
The way drugs mess with your body leaves me feeling so yucky.
I think I'm becoming a hippy man. Cool!

Today in the afternoon, I'm going bcak to taking care of the kids, the house,
cooking, work, our weekly schedule etc.
Please pray that I have to strength and motivation to take it all on again.
And also, that I don't overdo it which is generally a pattern with me.
Thanks.

This is my last night away from the kids.
I miss them lots but I have really enjoyed this break from the pressures of
mommyhood.
I've gotten the most sleep I've had in the last three years over the past 2 days.

But the girls really miss mommy so tomorrow I'm back home to regular life.
Its been a great, drug-induced holiday!

Today is my mom's birthday.
We had a great party with family and friends.
But I'm afraid I overdid it. Too much too fast now my face is swollen up again.
Ack!
Slow it right down!
I'm off to bed.

Its 1:00 am and I'm just up to make my T3...to tell the truth, I've been a little loopy all day from those bad boys. Yipee!!!
And tomorrow I can sleep all day if I want.....double Yippeee!

I'm safely installed in my mom's bed, which I might add is the comfiest EVER! Yeah!
(Is comfiest a word?)

All my anxiety was for naught. It went off without hitch, the oral surgeon was fabulous, the anesthesiologist was quick and painless and the nurses were kind and compassionate. And aside from looking like a chipmunk, I feel okay, with a little buzz. Bzzzzzzzzzzz. Nightie night.

If you don't win the Oscar, does that make you a hack?
If you win silver instead of Olympic Gold, are you a mediocre athlete?
If you have only $50 million and don't make the Forbes top one hundred, are you a failure?

It seems everywhere we look, there is a goal and a system of evaluation. Exams in school, sports tournaments, musical awards shows (yawn).
The problem is, we're all apart of this system, myself included and we're trained to look for the gold star. I love being evaluated, I love the sprint, I have drive and I want to win as much as the next guy.

With parenting...years of training are tossed out the window. Who's evaluating?
There's no sprint to success, its a marathon. I HATE LONG-DISTANCE RUNNING!!!
Is an angel with an Ed McMahon sized cheque going to show up at my door, and say, "God's been watching, well done...here's your $1,000,000,000!!!!"

Somedays its really hard to get motivated because there is end in sight. I'm doing the exact same thing today as I did yesterday. And I'll do it again tomorrow.

I know that its a building process and it takes time to see the results. Its hard to stay motivated to keep building when the goal (and its evaluation) may be a lifetime (literally a lifetime) away.
I'm part of the MTV, McDonald's generatin man. Immediate satisfaction. So patience for the moment I can find, its patience for a lifetime that's tough.

Thanks for letting me rant, I'm brimming with anxiety today. Tomorrow's my dental surgery and I'm freaked out about that too! Prozac anyone?

Like a moth to a flame, that is Isabella with me the last few days.
Why anyone would want to be constantly so close to me I have no idea.

I am one of those people who like to have some personal SPACE but
apparently, she doesn't feel the same way.
She is near me constantly, sitting on my lap, or if she's near me she has to have
her hand touching me, if I leave the room, she follows me.

While it flattering and all that jazz, I'm craving some time by myself.
I'm hoping this is phase, it'd look a little weird if I hold her hand during
her driver's license test and it'll be hard for her to play basketball if she has to
be touching my hand while running down the court. Yipes!

Someday, I'll probably have to beg to be seen in public with them but for now I'll try to enjoy their desire to be around me, when it isn't making me go snaky!

I've discovered a new game to play with the kids that amuses me as well as them.
I catch them and then say, "you can't go until you say..." whatever word.

Its so cute because I'm giving them words like :
agriculture
fastidious
endocrinology

Its so cute to hear one and two year old kids try to get a handle on those words.
Especially Isabella, she sounds like she has marbles in her mouth.
At Home Depot yesterday she was trying to say Dry Wall Screws.
It came out Laddle laddle scew.

Small people amuse small minds! hee hee

I think I've entered a time/space continuem. (sp?)
I was just saying "whoo -hoo its Friday!" and its Sunday morning already.
Why do the weekends fly by so quickly?

I saw "school of rock" at the cheap theater. I wouldn't recommend it to my friends but if anyone thinks Jack Black is funny, then it MIGHT be worth sitting through.
Personally, I think he's strangely hypnotic.
He's so weird that I just have to watch and see what he'll do next.
Nobody can "flip-out" quite like him.
I wish I could do that sometime...in public....just to see how people react.
He must be really secure in his weirdness...I'm not. Thank goodness!

What to do when you've reached the point where it might be easier to move than to re-organize your house.
I'm not sure if my whole house is in dire straights but the basement is.
The office needs an overhaul. Either we need a set of filing cabinets or a match
and some gasoline. Depends on how desperate I get.

I had guest over this morning for a playdate. I cleaned the bathroom before she got here, and then she didn't need to use it. So on her way out the door, I said "Hey, before you go, smell my bathroom."
What a NERD I am!!! How desperate am I for appreciation?
Like I said in my earlier blog, Appreciation is like heroine to a stay-at-home mom!

Its 10:30 on Thursday night, do you know where your children are?
Mine are passed out sleeping in their beds.
(why I pointed that out, I have no idea)

So, since I missed Friends, my fave. show...I rearranged the living room.
I like it, its symetrical, it has balance. Balance is good.
So now I'm doing laundry.
Really I should go to bed but there's always so much to do, and I feel like I'm
always running behind. Maybe I'll sleep better if my house is clean.

I think that's a sad statement about my mental health!

Totally unrelated to the kids.
Last night at the drop-in a teenager thought I was 30 years old!!!
I'm ONLY 27!!!! Then the kids around him started agreeing with him!
"Yeah, I definitely had to be over 30"

all joking aside, I was really quite devastated! Do I really look that old???
I was really depressed about it last night, I was even praying about it, I was
so distraught.

But joy returns to my life: at swimming , a mom asked how I could have TWO kids when I'm so young. She guessed I was early twenties.
So I breathe easy again.
I'M NOT THAT OLD!!!!!

Vanity, vanity, thy name is Erica....

Its Wednesday!
Swimming lessons for Rebecca.
She is going "Hog Wild" with her new found ability to go under the water.
She loves it, she'll be swimming in no time.
Her eyes are always red-rimmed now after swimming from the chlorine but that doesn't stop her.

Its naptime now and all I can hear in the monitor is Isabella sucking on her blankie which she always does as she falls asleep.

*sigh* life is good.

I now have evidence that it is the endtimes!

My two year old daughter asked me if she could go to bed!!!!
"Hhhhuhhhhhhhhh????"
was my response.

She said, "yeah, I want to go to bed. Good night mom. Sweet dreams."
And then she went up the stairs, closed her door and went to sleep for 2 hours!

I'm still in shock. Now if I could just get them both to do that when they are tired.
I'd be homefreeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......

I can now add another product to my list of things that fall into the GROSS
category.

Act II Sweet butter popcorn----GROSS!!!
It doesn't taste anything like movie theater popcorn, it has a weird flavor to it.
My rating: would never buy it again.

Wondering what else falls into this category?

Gross:

Ketchup Doritos
Any kind of sardines in a can
Liverwurst
Blue cheese
Eggplant
Mango

I'm not a picky eater but those things, yuck!

This is my new blogsite!!! Isn't it cute?
Its so feminine, and so ME!!!!
Thanks Yvonne! You did a FABULOUS job! AGAIN!!!

I haven't blogged in a couple days because its been a CRAZY weekend!
Grocery shopping, cleaning, the bank, work meetings, more work meetings,
paperwork, an eight hour CPR and first aid course, church, lunch, staff meeting,
church again and then hospital to visit my mother-in-law, coffee with the hubby
and I just got in.
I'm pooped!

This is the first chance I've got to be on the computer! Yikes! But I like my new blog site, its something new to look at.

Well, tonight was the first time I was ever on the worship team at church. I was pretty nervous but God came through and I didn't vomit on anyone. I don't think anyone knew (except who I told) that I wanted to run for the hills. But overall, it was a good experience. It went really fast.

I'm ready for a good long sleep. The munchkins wake up early.

Identity crisis....Am I a valley girl????
I know I'm kind of flighty and I like to goof around but I can be serious sometimes.

Insecure need for re-assurance time.....am I a valley girl????
(A question to be answered by those that know me, those that don't...Like Hi!)

Meetings, meetings, meetings.
My job is getting to have more and more meetings.
I'm now sitting on 5 different committees which has become quite the paper trail.

Don't get me wrong, I love my job. But this cooperating with other people, what's that all about????
However, I like to get out and converse with other adults. My manner of discussion might use some work though. I think I said, "its total crap" twice in the meeting tonight. They're gonna think I'm a redneck! Yeeee-whooo!!!

If I am a redneck, I come by it honestly. My dad is a lot like....um, Relick from Beachcombers!!!!

I hate to talk about the weather, so I won't.
Its cold here.
Really cold.
Enough already....do we have to talk about how cold it is?

Its like -50 (with the windchill) so let's just assume that everyone we talk
to will be cold. I'm cold, so hey....that guy over there, he's probably cold too.
I've been talking about the weather with people too much lately, I'm bored.
I'm boring myself and probably everyone else around me. And its making me cranky.
I hereby renounce my desire to talk about the weather. I'm just going to assume that everyone is as cold as I am, and currently wish they were somewhere warm.
I'm done....now, I have nothing else to say.
I'm going to have a hot bath.........because I'm cold.

I'm still catching up on getting the house clean and organized so that's really boring and I don't want to blog about it.

So here is my agenda for my imaginary day:

Its 10:00 am and just woke up. Francesca (the housekeeper) just brought up my fresh fruit platter and tea. She's late again, the little trollop! But I shall be kind today, as its her birthday. I'll let her sort the laundry as a treat.

I have such a busy day planned. First Sven (swedish masseuse) is coming for my morning massage. Its only an hour today, as I'm simply swamped.
At noon, I must meet my friends for lunch on Wellington. Then its off to the shops to find myself some new shoes. One can never have too many shoes. Irregardless of what my husband says.

After shopping, its time for my nap. Only two hours today as I said, I'm swamped.
Then I must awaken my creativity with a piano lesson. Yvonne is a wonderful teacher, and she should be for the $900 an hour price she charges me! (hee hee).

Then its dinner and a movie, after my afternoon massage. *YAWN* I'm tired already, just thinking about it. Maybe I'll go back to bed. Night night.

I've been hit by the cleaning/organizing bug.
Must clean out messy spaces....(said like a zombie)

All the places where junk collects are getting on my nerves.
So I'm re-organizing and getting rid of junk.
I'm so mad that I put a CUTE pair of runners that Rebecca had last summer in a bag
and "put it away" in our front hallway. Well, now that I've found them, they are too small for BOTH kids. Drat!!!

Hey Yvonne, you want them for Aila? At least she'll fit them! Oh well!
Its laundry day....gotta dash.
(For those of you not in Winnipeg, and wondering if this is the most exciting thing there is to do today...yes, it is. It is -46 with the windchill so I'm not venturing out my door!)

Tonight I was at my husband's family gathering. The families have kids older than ours and they were talking about the kids going back to school tomorrow.

I forget that someday my kids will go to school, that seems so weird.
I guess I just think that it'll always be this way, a holiday everyday.
The idea of my kids going away everyday for most of the year, so I should
really cherish everyday that I have them home with me.

Don't get me wrong. Everyday isn't perfect, on "bad" days with the kids, the idea
of them going to school is my ray of hope!!! But most days are pretty good and that's when I feel like I miss them already.

Today is Saturday, after Christmas and after a huge blizzard.
Shovelling snow, Christmas decoration take-down, cleaning, dishes,
laundry, post Christmas clean-up and re-organizing the storage room to
put back Christmas decorations.
Phew!
I'm pooped.
(and its only lunchtime!)

I just got back from visiting my mom-in-law in the hospital.
Its been two days since her surgery and she's already harassing the
nurses and doctors! ha ha ha
So, she must be feeling better.

She's got wires and tubes coming out of everywhich way, and she needed another blood transfusion again today but she's in pretty good spirits. Hopefully, she'll heal up quickly. The operation went very well and we're waiting to hear from the lab to see if the cancer had grown anywhere outside of her uterus.

But things look pretty good right now (tubes and gunk aside) and she's feeling pretty good. The morphine and epidural might have something to do with that though. Hee hee

Thanks for all your prayers!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!

I'm really excited about our big win! We went to a wedding social/New Year's Eve party last night and won a prize in the silent auction! We won a 4 piece set of luggage. Cool! Now we have luggage. Now all we need is somewhere to go.
(besides beautiful and exotic Brandon, MB! ha ha ha)

D.J.'s still sleeping (its his turn) and I'm up playing tea-party with the girls. I think Isabella's favorite part of a tea-party is making the slurping sound when she pretends to drink her tea. Man, that kid loves to make noise.

I wish everyone a fabulous 2004 full of tons of realized potential.