Four Year Old Wisdom
I had an insightful conversation with Isabella while driving in the van the other day. She had just been naughty after pre-school and I told her that needed to stop very quickly or she would have a consequence. The conversation below is what followed...
Here is a transcript of our conversation:
I: Mommy, what if God gave you a naughty daughter who disobeyed all the time, would you give her away?
E: No, I would teach her how to behave and not be naughty all the time.
I: Yes, but what if you couldn't teach her? What if she was just bad?
E: Children are not bad, children get taught by their parents, so if a child is naughty, it is the parent's job to teach that child how to be kind and obedient.
I: What if you just couldn't teach her, then would you give her away?
E: No, because the children God gives me are mine, and I would love them anyway. Even if she was naughty all the time, I would keep her. I would just keep trying to love her.
I: Oh!
E: Do you think that you need to be good for mommy to love you?
I: Noooo....but its hard to be obedient... but its easy to be loving, you love me lots because I'm really loving and you love cuddling me.
E: What's the difference between being good and being loving?
I: Good is just being obedient but loving is good with kindness, and obedience can be good without kindness so loving is much better. I'm good at being loving.
After this, she got bored of that topic and moved on to talking about "loud Michael" at pre-school who never obeys the Panis (teachers) and yadda yadda yadda...
I was stuck on her last sentence. "You can be good without kindness but loving is good with kindness." That's it right there. That is difference between being religious and being a godly person. My four year old gets it.
Just being good doesn't cut it. You can obey all the rules, and get everything looking right from the outside and still be cruel (without kindness). But if you are loving then the kindness is built in automatically and the good will be there too! With the correct motivation and intentions in the heart. Loving is good with kindness.
Maybe this is why Jesus said, "Love another as I have loved you" and not "Obey all the rules and be good all the time." When we act out of love and we are motivated out of a right heart.
If we are loving, we will get the whole picture.
I learn so much from my kids.
Here is a transcript of our conversation:
I: Mommy, what if God gave you a naughty daughter who disobeyed all the time, would you give her away?
E: No, I would teach her how to behave and not be naughty all the time.
I: Yes, but what if you couldn't teach her? What if she was just bad?
E: Children are not bad, children get taught by their parents, so if a child is naughty, it is the parent's job to teach that child how to be kind and obedient.
I: What if you just couldn't teach her, then would you give her away?
E: No, because the children God gives me are mine, and I would love them anyway. Even if she was naughty all the time, I would keep her. I would just keep trying to love her.
I: Oh!
E: Do you think that you need to be good for mommy to love you?
I: Noooo....but its hard to be obedient... but its easy to be loving, you love me lots because I'm really loving and you love cuddling me.
E: What's the difference between being good and being loving?
I: Good is just being obedient but loving is good with kindness, and obedience can be good without kindness so loving is much better. I'm good at being loving.
After this, she got bored of that topic and moved on to talking about "loud Michael" at pre-school who never obeys the Panis (teachers) and yadda yadda yadda...
I was stuck on her last sentence. "You can be good without kindness but loving is good with kindness." That's it right there. That is difference between being religious and being a godly person. My four year old gets it.
Just being good doesn't cut it. You can obey all the rules, and get everything looking right from the outside and still be cruel (without kindness). But if you are loving then the kindness is built in automatically and the good will be there too! With the correct motivation and intentions in the heart. Loving is good with kindness.
Maybe this is why Jesus said, "Love another as I have loved you" and not "Obey all the rules and be good all the time." When we act out of love and we are motivated out of a right heart.
If we are loving, we will get the whole picture.
I learn so much from my kids.
12 Comments:
What a good definition! She is sooo sweet!
She is insightful.
But what if you couldn't teach her? I mean, what if she couldn't learn to behave? What if she didn't have any capicity for kindness? How would you deal?
It's one thing to say you'd continue to love her, but what would that look like?
That is brilliant. Just brilliant.
Cindy,
If I had a child who was incapable of learning I would need to take some training on how to deal with a child with those issues. I had limited experience with mentally handicapped youth at the high school before I had my own kids, but I think they were all capable of learning to some degree. The methods of teaching were different as speech and language were not developped and many did not have control of bodily functions. This required patience, lowered expectation of performance and a sense of humor.
Usually what I liked about each of those kids had nothing to do with how well they could perform the tasks assigned to them. What I liked about them was their different personalities, which could shine through even without the ability to behave like a normal teenager. Eg. Milton- autistic 16 year old who always remembered my nail polish color and had to check what color it was.
He could not speak, was mostly unresponsive, had many ticks but without fail, I could flash my nails and he would giggle. That is what I loved about him. I was amused that he was amused by something so simple. I loved that I could make smile with so little effort, there are many "normal" teens that I couldn't make smile even if I stood on my head.
What I'm saying is, that I need to learn to love based on what is there, no matter how little rather than what they can't (or won't in Bella's case the other day) do.
So I guess if I had a child who could not learn, I would deal with it by finding ways to connect where I could. Finding some place that the two of us could laugh and appreciate each other.
Also, I don't believe that Isabella's capacity for kindness has anything to do with her ability to learn. Rebecca is equally intelligent, and does not have the same emotional intelligence in regards to empathy, sympathy and compassion.
Perhaps I should have been more specific.
What if you had a child who would/could not learn to obey or behave? Not even out of self-interest. What if you could not convince your child that you have their interests at heart? What if you had to be constantly monitoring to make sure this child did not hurt other kids in the household or get into fights with kids in the neighborhood? What if there was no real hope of it changing? What if there were no "methods" that worked? No medications or therapies?
What, practically, would it look like for you to love that child?
Actually... forget that question. It's not really a fair one. You can't know what that would look like until you've lived it. You really wouldn't know how you'd react in any situation until it happens, so forget I asked. okay?
Cindy,
You are correct in saying that I can not tell you how I would respond in any situation until I have lived it. This is true of everyone.
I can imagine, based on your description, parenting that kind of child would be frustrating. I can see how one might feel hopeless--"there is no real hope of it changing".
I can not offer parenting advice on a situation I have not lived.
However, I am not completely unqualified to talk about loving.
My job requires that I love people that are difficult to love. In fact, my job is to create programming for difficult people, to hire, train and inspire other people to love people who are difficult to love.
The answer in my job always comes back to the same thing...I love them the best and most that I can. When my love for them reaches its end, I ask God for more.
I meet them where I can meet them and am I've learned to be content with the progess they've made, no matter how little. Even if I know they could go farther or do better. I always teach my staff this little motto "If they knew better, they'd do better."
If they don't reach the place where I think they could or should be...I must assume their is a barrier. So I go back to "If they knew better...so how do I teach them to do better? What step is missing here?"
Be it emotional, intellectual, social...whatever. Its my job to connect with each kid, find what building block is missing and find a way to fill it in.
That's my job.
This is where the love part comes in...I do my job. I keep coming back for more bullshit because I know eventually it will make a difference. I've seen it happen.
I keep coming back, and caring about the same kid who just called me a bitch and told me to fuck off yesterday. I come back because that's what they did, and not who they are. Its my job to find out who they are, and love the core of that person.
Sound soft and bleeding heart?
You asked what it looks like practically. Sometimes my love looks like a two week suspension from a program that helps in a kids life. Sometimes it looks like me up in a kid's face, giving a royal reeming. Sometimes its a joke or teasing to make a kid who's had a crappy day smile. Sometimes its pat on the back.
What does it look like?
That changes depending on my time and energy, or on how much the kid is ready to let me in. It depends on the needs of the kid, and tough love isn't always pretty but its love just the same.
The truth is that some kids are easier to love than others but if I loved just the lovable kids at the programs, I would not be doing my job. I can not let how I feel about kids, or what I think about their performance influence my choice to love them.
When love stops motivating me to do this, I will quit this job. It does not pay enough for the time and energy I put into it. My pay-off is knowing that what I do has purpose, that I make a difference in the lives of kids who have no one.
I'm not some frigging saint or anything but I know that my love matters to these kids. I get frustrated and think about quitting on a regular basis but it is love that keeps me going.
I appreciate your perspective and experience, even though I disagree with your motto. People don't necessarily do better simply because they know better. We choose every moment whether or not we will live up to the knowledge we have. And sometimes we choose not to.
Of course, they cannot choose to do better if they do not know better. I'm just saying that the knowledge alone does not dictate the choice.
The motto is quick and snappy, and it rhymes. It is something that can be a quick reminder that the students the staff will be working with are not perfect, they aren't "done" yet. They still need to be taught, and that is why the staff is there.
That's what a motto is...a quick idea. "The customer is always right." Actually the customer is not literally, always right. The motto conveys the idea that the customer will always be listened to. Not that the customer will suddenly become correct 100% of the time.
The training that goes along with motto explains that many of the students we work with are NOT taught at home that swearing in public is unacceptable, that manners even exist, that you need to respect staff or people older than you...etc...I could go on all day with examples here.
If they KNEW better, they'd do better. Knowing in this case, doesn't just mean know the rules.
Knowing means, taking that information (the rule) and assimilating it into their lives.
I could have replaced the word "knew" with "learned" but then my little motto wouldn't have rhymed.
Part of learning is having the explanation of the "why" we expect certain behaviours. And you're correct in saying they have a choice, they do. But step one is the teaching. Without that, they will NEVER do better because they won't have the choice.
After learning, at least they have a choice to do right or wrong. Knowledge is very empowering that way.
And I have yet to meet a child who doesn't choose "right" sometimes.
I had a loooong chat with Jude that included a discussion on why I posted my original question in the form I did.
I think it was because while it is something I actually live with I was trying to avoid the "poor Cindy" response which I've come to expect - in general, not specifically from you.
I found myself offended at the simplicity of the answer you gave your daughter. (Yes, I get that she's only five, and, yes, I get that it wasn't the point of the post) I wanted to hear you tell her that although you would do all you could to teach her - because you loved her - that it would be really hard. I wanted you to say that you would need help from lots of other people and that you would cry alot. I wanted you to admit that giving her away would actually cross your mind in the times of deepest despair - though you would weep even harder at the thought. I wanted you to tell her how hopeless it would feel knowing how utterly helpless you would be. I wanted you to tell her that loving her would not be enough to make her life okay - and that you would have to live with that.
THAT'S what loving that child would look like.
But you can't know that until you walk it. That's why I tried to back out of the discussion.
Loving a difficult child/teen/person in a program is simply not comparable to loving the child you live with day in and day out. The child you've nurtured from birth. The child in whom you've invested your life.
What you'll never be able to do is tell your child how it feels to be a parent to someone who's never uttered the words "I love you" but calls you "stupid mom" at least a dozen times a day.
You are blessed.
Frankly, I would feel the same sense of offense if someone wrote about how they would feel if they ever had to deal with infertility without having gone through it. You just can't know what it will/won't look like.
So, I apologize for expecting what was unreasonable in the first place.
As to the motto - I stand by my opinion. It's one of my pet peeves - otherwise I might have just let it go. But if I decide to pursue it any farther I'll do it on my own blog. (actually, I think I did once. Have to go look in the archives.)
Just realized bloglines somehow kicked you out! I wasn't getting updates from you. Guess I have some catching up to do...
Cindy, there has to be hope or acceptance of an end. No one can live their WHOLE lives in a hopeLESS state and suvive.
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