My Big FAT Manifesto
Its time for me to tell the truth. I know it is more P.C. to say that a healthy attitude and self-esteem will allow a person to love themselves no matter what, and that its what's inside that counts.
I've said it myself.
I have taught this to my daughters and will continue to do so.
This is not how I really, truly feel deep down. The truth, the real truth is that I don't want to be fat. I don't want to look down in the shower and peek at my toes over the bulging roll that used to be my flat stomach. I don't want to catch a glimpse of cottage cheese when I pull my jeans over my outer thighs. I don't want to be fat.
There I said it. Now where do I go from here?
I know in my head that I am an average size although by Hollywood standards, I am obese. Since I don't live in Hollywood, who cares?
I care.
I see the magazines, the ads and commercials. I want to wear that cute little sundress or the white capris with the tight shirt that comes to the waist with a BELT!!! But wearing those things do not make me comfortable, I am more comfortable hiding under my big sweaters and jeans that pull in my gut and slim down my butt. When I hide, I feel safe. If nobody knows about the cellulite, or the rolls, I am still acceptable, "maybe I am slim, maybe not, you don't get to know!". That's just it...hiding is where I am comfortable.
Here is where the dilemma lays! Running, biking and swimming is not comfortable. Finding time to get in a decent workout at the end of the day when I'm tired is not comfortable.
Food is comfortable. Ice cream is comforting. Warm toast with honey is comforting. Ketchup chips washed down with sugary iced-tea is comforting.
I want what I want without any consequences. I want to eat junk food that gives me a sense of being full and not gain any weight. I want to fit in my jeans, have a tight, tiny butt and flat stomach and eat s'mores three at a time.
I know what you're thinking, "You and the rest of the world. Boo Hoo! Get over yourself Erica!"
Right?
Of course that's right, metabolism is a natural law, there is no way around it.
You eat too much, its gotta go somewhere. You live a sedentary lifestyle, your body doesn't burn fat, your capacity for cardio goes down and so on it goes. There is only one way to have the healthy, slim body that I want and that is to be responsible for my choices.
I know that is true. I even know how to do it. I have the tools. I know which foods are healthy and which are not. I am not ignorant of this information. I know how to run, bike and swim. I even know how to stretch properly (although I rarely use this information).
So where is the problem?
Those who can...do. Right?
Wrong.
There are two major issues that interfere with what I know how to do.
Issue #1
I live too often by my emotions.
When I feel good, confident and empowered, I run, bike or swim. In return for my good deeds, I get an adrenaline rush and feel even better.
The flip side is that when I feel bad, I spiral downward into the bad place.
You know that place? That deep, dark void where you are NOT good enough, or smart enough and you're convinced that people DON'T like you.
This is the place where hiding under a blanket, vegging out in front of the t.v. and eating your weight in cheese seems like a perfectly rational thing to do.
This is the part where I start lying to myself. I'll run tomorrow. I'll only drink water tomorrow, and maybe some grapes. Yes, water and three grapes will make up for this little indiscretion. When I know perfectly well, tomorrow I'll feel so guilty about this little charade tomorrow that I'll probably add bacon to my burger and super-size the fries tomorrow. I lie to myself, "Oh what's the point? I don't care anyway." That's not true. I will care tomorrow. Somewhere, deep down I actually care right then, even in the bad place.
When I am feeling okay, making good decisions is easy. Its the tired, stressed or angry Erica that binges and hides under the blankets. She is the one who should get fat, not ME!!
It seems to me that the solution here is not a better diet, or better education about food. Its not joining a gym or putting my kids in daycare so I'll have time to work out. If I had the time but I was in a bad place, I'd just make bad decisions about how I spent that time anyway.
It seems that the solution is in how I deal with negative emotions, what I do when I am not in "my happy place". Food should not be my joy and comfort. All I can do is bring those empty places to God and ask Him (again) to fill me up. Fill up my longing, my hurt, my lonliness, my disappointment, my anger, my need with something. I don't know what it is that I need...love? wisdom? perspective? grace?
Whatever it is, He's got that feeling, that joy and calm so I don't feel the need to stuff my cakehole looking for a moment of joy.
Issue #2
I've always had a very forgiving metabolism. Yes, this can be a problem.
(this is the part where people who've always struggled with weight issues want to scratch my eyeballs out --fair enough--feel free to send hate mail, if it makes you feel better)
I'm like a rich heroine addict. Someone who can afford a fix, still have a nice house, servants to do my work so my addiction is not interfering with my life. Its still unhealthy but I can keep it a secret and no one is the wiser. Compared with the drug addict on the street who could never afford a fix in the first place, this addiction has taken away their life, their home, family, everything. Life for the poor heroine has become a living nightmare. But they are both addicted and engaging in exactly the same behaviour.
I'm addicted to food. I'm addicted to a good binge, and the feeling I get from feeling full. I think about food, how much I'll eat, what I will not eat, what I plan to eat later. Since I'm not hugely overweight, I can get away with it and keep my little secret. Not eat too much in public and binge in private. As long as I'm not obese, who needs to know?
This is an issue because I have unhealthy behaviour patterns that have not given strict consequences before. However, since turning 30, some consequences for my actions have begun to show up. I now need to learn to deal with natural law like other mortals.
It is also an issue because its easier for not-so-chubby people to cover up bad eating habits just as the rich can hide their drug habits, so people don't confront them about it or hold them accountable.
Accountable for what? What's so bad about size 8 jeans? Nothing, lots of people would love to be a size 8. But what have I done to get here? And where would I be if my gracious metabolism was taken away? Would I feel that I deserved to care for a body that was fatter than it was?
Undoubtedly, I know I would flog myself (emotionally) to bits even worse than I do now if I were to get any bigger.
I want to find the place where I eat right, and exercise because its the right thing to do for my body. I want to do it because my body is a temple that I love, and I want to honor it and know that it is worthy, and deserves to be cared for. That is not how I feel about myself or my body right now. Here is the truth of my current motivation for exercise:
I am motivated by the fear of being fat and unlovable. This motivation is the friend that spurs me on to run and the enemy that whispers ugly lies in my ears when I can't sleep at night.
I don't know what brought on this manifesto but the truth as I know it, has been spoken.
I don't want to be fat. I don't want to live in fear of being fat. I don't want food to be my lover. I want to enjoy who I am. I want to think I deserve healthy choices when I'm good and when I'm not. I want to be free. I want to be healthy. I don't want to be fat.
I've said it myself.
I have taught this to my daughters and will continue to do so.
This is not how I really, truly feel deep down. The truth, the real truth is that I don't want to be fat. I don't want to look down in the shower and peek at my toes over the bulging roll that used to be my flat stomach. I don't want to catch a glimpse of cottage cheese when I pull my jeans over my outer thighs. I don't want to be fat.
There I said it. Now where do I go from here?
I know in my head that I am an average size although by Hollywood standards, I am obese. Since I don't live in Hollywood, who cares?
I care.
I see the magazines, the ads and commercials. I want to wear that cute little sundress or the white capris with the tight shirt that comes to the waist with a BELT!!! But wearing those things do not make me comfortable, I am more comfortable hiding under my big sweaters and jeans that pull in my gut and slim down my butt. When I hide, I feel safe. If nobody knows about the cellulite, or the rolls, I am still acceptable, "maybe I am slim, maybe not, you don't get to know!". That's just it...hiding is where I am comfortable.
Here is where the dilemma lays! Running, biking and swimming is not comfortable. Finding time to get in a decent workout at the end of the day when I'm tired is not comfortable.
Food is comfortable. Ice cream is comforting. Warm toast with honey is comforting. Ketchup chips washed down with sugary iced-tea is comforting.
I want what I want without any consequences. I want to eat junk food that gives me a sense of being full and not gain any weight. I want to fit in my jeans, have a tight, tiny butt and flat stomach and eat s'mores three at a time.
I know what you're thinking, "You and the rest of the world. Boo Hoo! Get over yourself Erica!"
Right?
Of course that's right, metabolism is a natural law, there is no way around it.
You eat too much, its gotta go somewhere. You live a sedentary lifestyle, your body doesn't burn fat, your capacity for cardio goes down and so on it goes. There is only one way to have the healthy, slim body that I want and that is to be responsible for my choices.
I know that is true. I even know how to do it. I have the tools. I know which foods are healthy and which are not. I am not ignorant of this information. I know how to run, bike and swim. I even know how to stretch properly (although I rarely use this information).
So where is the problem?
Those who can...do. Right?
Wrong.
There are two major issues that interfere with what I know how to do.
Issue #1
I live too often by my emotions.
When I feel good, confident and empowered, I run, bike or swim. In return for my good deeds, I get an adrenaline rush and feel even better.
Good feeling=Good choice=Good reward.
The flip side is that when I feel bad, I spiral downward into the bad place.
You know that place? That deep, dark void where you are NOT good enough, or smart enough and you're convinced that people DON'T like you.
This is the place where hiding under a blanket, vegging out in front of the t.v. and eating your weight in cheese seems like a perfectly rational thing to do.
Bad feeling = Bad Choice = Guilt, Shame and more Bad Feelings = Bad Choice =
When I am feeling okay, making good decisions is easy. Its the tired, stressed or angry Erica that binges and hides under the blankets. She is the one who should get fat, not ME!!
It seems to me that the solution here is not a better diet, or better education about food. Its not joining a gym or putting my kids in daycare so I'll have time to work out. If I had the time but I was in a bad place, I'd just make bad decisions about how I spent that time anyway.
It seems that the solution is in how I deal with negative emotions, what I do when I am not in "my happy place". Food should not be my joy and comfort. All I can do is bring those empty places to God and ask Him (again) to fill me up. Fill up my longing, my hurt, my lonliness, my disappointment, my anger, my need with something. I don't know what it is that I need...love? wisdom? perspective? grace?
Whatever it is, He's got that feeling, that joy and calm so I don't feel the need to stuff my cakehole looking for a moment of joy.
Issue #2
I've always had a very forgiving metabolism. Yes, this can be a problem.
(this is the part where people who've always struggled with weight issues want to scratch my eyeballs out --fair enough--feel free to send hate mail, if it makes you feel better)
I'm like a rich heroine addict. Someone who can afford a fix, still have a nice house, servants to do my work so my addiction is not interfering with my life. Its still unhealthy but I can keep it a secret and no one is the wiser. Compared with the drug addict on the street who could never afford a fix in the first place, this addiction has taken away their life, their home, family, everything. Life for the poor heroine has become a living nightmare. But they are both addicted and engaging in exactly the same behaviour.
I'm addicted to food. I'm addicted to a good binge, and the feeling I get from feeling full. I think about food, how much I'll eat, what I will not eat, what I plan to eat later. Since I'm not hugely overweight, I can get away with it and keep my little secret. Not eat too much in public and binge in private. As long as I'm not obese, who needs to know?
This is an issue because I have unhealthy behaviour patterns that have not given strict consequences before. However, since turning 30, some consequences for my actions have begun to show up. I now need to learn to deal with natural law like other mortals.
It is also an issue because its easier for not-so-chubby people to cover up bad eating habits just as the rich can hide their drug habits, so people don't confront them about it or hold them accountable.
Accountable for what? What's so bad about size 8 jeans? Nothing, lots of people would love to be a size 8. But what have I done to get here? And where would I be if my gracious metabolism was taken away? Would I feel that I deserved to care for a body that was fatter than it was?
Undoubtedly, I know I would flog myself (emotionally) to bits even worse than I do now if I were to get any bigger.
I want to find the place where I eat right, and exercise because its the right thing to do for my body. I want to do it because my body is a temple that I love, and I want to honor it and know that it is worthy, and deserves to be cared for. That is not how I feel about myself or my body right now. Here is the truth of my current motivation for exercise:
I am motivated by the fear of being fat and unlovable. This motivation is the friend that spurs me on to run and the enemy that whispers ugly lies in my ears when I can't sleep at night.
I don't know what brought on this manifesto but the truth as I know it, has been spoken.
I don't want to be fat. I don't want to live in fear of being fat. I don't want food to be my lover. I want to enjoy who I am. I want to think I deserve healthy choices when I'm good and when I'm not. I want to be free. I want to be healthy. I don't want to be fat.
6 Comments:
wow erica... can I say "YES and AMEN" to every word? I have NOT been blessed with a forgiving metabolism and rather than send you email and tell you that I can LOOK at chocolate and gain 2 pounds, I will rather say that "slow metabolism" has been my excuse 139 for being (as you say so elequantly) FAT.
I'm with you... I want something different in my life... and I don't hate you because you can hide! haha
I will pray for you and I ask that you pray for me too... it's all I know how to do!
wow! so interesting that I would read this today. I was driving home from work and realizing that my whole life (and thought process) revolves around FOOD! "What will we eat for supper? TV snack? Oh - there's going to be refreshments at church tomorrow! And a BBQ with friends! Wonder what will be there? etc..."
I've had an incredible metabolism while nursing for the last 3+ years, but it's starting to slow down (maybe it's the 30 thing). Maybe we can join a club. Wait, doesn't Yvonne already have one? ;)
Wow. This made me cry. It's how I feel every day (without the forgiving metabolism part)
If you were describing heroin, and not food...what decisions would you make? What would you do? Would your family and friends have an intervention?
We need to start calling addictions by their names. Food is no different. And the root of the pain of food or heroin is the same: "I don't want to feel pain anymore".
But here is the truth. Feeling pain will not kill us. We will NOT die. Yes we will squirm, yes we will feel unpleasant...but we will come thru it stronger and free!
I wish I were staying in winnipeg. If I were, I'd start a food addictions meeting. It sounds silly to some, but it's high time that Godly women stop parading around like they are so 'together' when they are simply horribly strung out and completely broken.
My name is Yvonne Parks, and I am an addict.
Let me just add another perpective to this issue. In a world of people starving for food, we are so blessed to have so much food available to us. Having lived on the other side of the world where food is precious and being plump (and you do not qualify for this designation Erica!) is a sign of good health and beauty, I think it is so unfortunate that we waste so much of our time on struggling with food and weight (myself included). Abundance is a blessing and also a responsibility. What if you think about food as the gift from God that it is, and focus instead on how on how you can assist others in having as much food as you. And maybe we should all strive for a different standard of beauty. In some cultures, white hair is a symbol of wisdom and respect (not here) and in many of those same cultures, having some fat on your bones a symbol of living a good life.
I think you should exercise if you want to, because it feels good, not because you're concerned about what size pant you wear. Eat healthy because it tastes good and not because you're depriving yourself of Cheetos. Or just eat Cheetos if you want. You're not going to die and you're lucky to have the money and the ability to eat snacks whenever you want. f you were spending most of your income on food, to the point where it was bankrupting you or putting you in the hospital, then we would have some real reason for concern. Since that's not the case, enjoy your food, that's what it's meant for!!!
Anonymous,
That is a good point. I appreciate your perspective, as it is very valid. You have a healthy attitude toward food. Sometimes I do too, but often I don't and its times when I eat because it is a band-aid for pain that I think is wrong.
I would like to enjoy my food in a healthy frame of mind.
But thank you for the global perspective which my north american lens sometimes fails to see.
So thank you, whoever you are.
:)
One of the most important moments for me in pursuing a healthy lifestyle was realizing that food was one of the only places I was actually finding joy. In my mind 30s I finally realize that I don't know how to be happy without stuffing my face. That breakthrough - learning to find joy so I didn't need it from food - helped me to drop 40 pounds.
I found it hard to keep exercising when it didn't result in weight loss. In fact, I did stop, but i've started again. I try to focus on the fact that whether or not I lose weight, exercise will make me healthier.
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