Big Brother to the Rescue...As a young girl I spent many hours worrying about my big brother's salvation. To begin with, he didn't like going to church. I know, that is horrific enough but there is more! He wanted to stay home and watch cartoons, surely his soul was in mortal danger.
During the hymn singing he would mouth the words as an opera star or a rock star. He made me giggle which was sinful in itself. Sometimes he would change the words in the hymns to naughty words like poop, fart and burp. I needed to double my prayer time where he was concerned.
I feared my brother was headed for the great lake of fire in H-E-double hockey sticks. Surely God did not approve of us laughing in church! What's worse, I could no longer attend saturday choir practise without giggling. My big brother had pointed out the fact that the choir leader lady had a double chin that jiggled when she hit the high notes. It was true. It really did, and it was hilarious.
If you think those transgressions were not bad enough to warrant my distress, he had other sins that put his soul in mortal danger. He liked to play at the arcade. If that wasn't a den of iniquity I didn't know what was. My ten year old mind was awash with torment for my big brother's salvation. His distain for the church made me fear for his life.
While I focused on his activities during the sermon, his attendance at choir practise I missed a few clues that might have set my mind at ease. The fact that he would take home any lost soul and love them when no one else did not clue me into the state of his heart. I failed to notice his loyalty to friends and family, and his soft-hearted care for broken people, and animals. He didn't talk like the people at church but many times he acted like Jesus.
If I hadn't been so caught up in church rules, I would have saved my young mind alot of anxiety.
This past year has been a difficult one for me where church is concerned. I find myself questioning many things about the church. I am questioning the teachings I have heard since I was a child, some of the stuff I heard as an adult, my own hyposcrisy and religious thinking, as well as the place of the church as an institution. I have talked to quite a few different people about these issues and concerns, and the responses have been varied.
Some people said this is as good as it gets, just deal with it. Others suggested I step out, get myself put back together and then get with the program. Still others said, follow God not the church, don't worry about what's wrong with it, just leave it alone. A great many more said, I'm as confused as you are, don't ask me. Finally after a year of different answers, none of which left me feeling any less confused I had a long talk with my big brother.
He made the most sense of anyone I have talked to in a long time in regards to church. He was patient with my frustration, graceful when it came to failings of the church, and understanding about what it is I want from church. He explained the humanity of church and challenged me to be gracious and forgiving. If the church is made up broken people, how can we put together broken people, mash it all together and expect something whole to emerge? My expectations did not make sense. He explained the importance of vision, and unity and the dangers of conformity.
He did not judge me, or lecture me or defend the church even once. He wasn't concerned about the church, he was concerned about me. He didn't worry about how the church would look at the end of the conversation, he listened to my perspective and went straight to the heart of the matter. He made the most sense of anyone I've heard talk about the church in the past year.
After our conversation, I thought back over my perception of my "naughty" big brother as I was growing up. I began to wonder if his frustration with church wasn't due to his "sinful ways" but rather just him being ahead of his time, and recognizing things that weren't right to begin with. He was just living out the truth as he saw it, and he wasn't listening to the words because he was focused on how people were living their lives. He was never going to make it in the church-world but he sure acts a lot like Jesus.
Isn't it just like God to use a "naughty" boy who hated going to church to bring peace to the heart of a religious little girl who thought she had it all together?
Christmas 2006
